Mothers Day.

I was going about my day on saturday thinking, this Mothers Day is gonna be a breeze! It wont be emotional at all. I wont allow myself to feel sad/mournful.

I tried, I really did. It was all good and dandy until we got to church. One of the speakers said (here's a butchered version of what he said)

 "Mothers Day means a lot of different things to different people. Some see mothers day as the day they celebrate they're opportunity to be mothers. Others see it as the day to celebrate the relationships they have with their mothers or mourn the lack of relationship. Some see it as a reminder of their own body failing them. Some see it as a day that marks what blessings they havent received. "

(Before the speaker started his talk I asked a friend of mine if I could hold her sleeping baby.) 

At that point when the speaker stated his last remark, I lost it. I was gripping onto my emotions as hard as I could throughout the rest of the meeting but, having my very real feelings being explained for me.. opened the flood gates. I knew at that point He was talking right to me. 

So there I was holding this beautiful baby, trying to hold back choked sobs as my husband wiped away his own tears.

I realized at that moment that infertility has officially left its mark on us. 

Our infertility has changed us. 

I then asked myself "How has it changed me? Has it been for the better?" Often times I will say no but, I know thats not entirely true. How it's changed us is hard to explain. All I can tell you right now is that we have never had this much understanding and compassion for each other than we do now. 

I will continue my journey with as much faith and positivity that I can muster. 

It's just what should be done. 

Wish me (us) luck. 

xo

House?

I have mixed feelings about this house update.. We have officially cancelled our offer for the new build. and are basically back to where we started.

No new house for us. We decided we'd like to get a cheaper home so our payments are close to nill, and when we're ready we can rent that sucker out and make it an investment property. 

BUT! I bet you 10 bucks, buying a cheaper house wont happen either. 

yeahh. our lives at the moment are full of cross roads and adult decisions. its exhausting. 

At least this cross road is well paved.

This is what i feel like ours looks like. 

Which way to go? what to do, what to do?

I think at this point so many things have yet to go as expected that Mike and I are ready to just sway with the wind.  

What should I call you?

I was at work one day and it was pretty busy, I think.. I cant really remember. anyways. Two little indian boys and their dad come walking into the store. They were such cute little guys! One boy was 7 and the other was 3. The 3 year olds name was Alexander. I walked with Alexander and helped him up on my chair. He cozied right in. while i was cutting his hair I asked him "Alex or Alexander? What do you want to be called? " He looked straight at me and stared for a second giving it a little thought. He promptly nodded his cute head and said "Big boy!" then gave another nod just to confirm his new name. Everyone started chuckling. Im telling you, it was adorable!

Did you know old people who have almost no hair can be the pickiest clients I have?! yeah. And I swear men can be so high maintenance. bahaha. not kidding.