Next week is a big week for us, filled with mixed emotions for me.
We celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary! It's Mike's year to plan our celebration. I don't care what we do as long as im with him.
For the sake of getting mushy.. I have never felt so in love, so overpowered by emotion until Mike came into my life. He is the most amazing, kind hearted, hard working, sensitive man I have ever met. He amazes me everyday. He is my knight.
Some throw back pictures for your viewing pleasure :)
Get ready to go swimming, this part gets a little deep...
Ovulation testing, blood draws, fertility creams, diet changes, miscarriage, mind warps, negative upon negative pregnancy tests and two years later... Marks our " grow a baby" anniversary.
And I'm finally finding my voice.. So beware!
I have suppressed my emotions on our struggle with infertility for a long time, I've been quiet. It's hard talking about it. But, I need to talk about it.
Infertility isn't something we should be silent about. I've spent the last 2 years of my life, many times feeling bitter, sad, alone, broken, angry and inadequate. Wondering what imperfections or wrong-doings have I done to not be trusted with motherhood.
People say, "things get easier with time". The only thing that has gotten noticeably easier, is my ability to shut it off, turn cold, and attempt to ignore the yearning feeling to add to our family. I built a cozy defense around myself, so that the empty feeling goes numb.
You end up coming to terms with a lot of things, and maybe that makes things easier. I dunno. *shrugs*
In all reality, the struggle this journey entails, doesn't get any easier.
But it's our journey, our struggle. If We're meant to work our butts off to grow our family. Then that's what we'll do.
I'll have invasive procedures done, I'll inject myself with chemicals, I'll sit and stare at an empty uterus on the little screen, I'll let them poke me with needles, take my blood, I'll spend thousands of dollars to become a mother. If that's what it'll take, then that's what I'll do.
Because someday, someone will call me mommy and will run to the door when daddy gets home.
It's confusing, scary, and exciting all rolled together. I dont know when it will happen, through a miracle, treatments or both! Im just grateful that I do know, one day we will be blessed with parenthood. And the wait will be worth it.
xo
Infertility etiquette If you know anyone who struggles with infertility, this article is very helpful. Id love for you to read it! http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2012/04/infertility-etiquette.html
I can relate to so many of your emotions. They are real. Infertility is hard, so hard. One thing that has helped me is finding friends who have gone through it too. I read blogs that help me realize I am not alone in my feelings and I have friends who I can complain to when infertility slaps me in the face and they understand. Writing about your feelings is therapeutic. It has helped me sort out different things that I am feeling. Praying and going to the temple help me. I always have to remind myself that if God had answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to, we wouldn't have Lucas. I am so grateful that He knows what is best for us. I always just wish I knew when things would happen, but I guess we learn to be patient.
ReplyDeleteWe are praying for you guys! If you ever need a chat or vent let me know.
Thanks Alicia, I often think of you and just knowing you understand the struggle makes me feel good.
ReplyDeleteIll be sure to take you up on the offer.
How is the second adoption process going?
I hope all is well with you :)